Basketball-Adjacent New Year’s Resolutions

I was having a conversation yesterday about when it becomes weird to say “Happy New Year” to people.

Is it an arbitrary date like January 6? Is it the Sunday of the full first week? Can you keep doing it until the first major federal holiday? In the U.S., that’s Martin Luther King Jr. Day on January 16. Is that too late?

Maybe it’s when you stop hearing people joke “I haven’t done X since last year!” followed by their loud guffaws and knee slaps.

You may not even say “Happy New Year” to anybody. You could wish them ill will instead. I hope that’s not the case, but you never know.

However you celebrate, the new year brings new resolutions. And I resolve to make this email hoops-centric because all these resolutions have something to do with basketball. Pick out your favorite and see what looks best.

Watch a movie 40 times

When I was a kid, I regularly went over to my friend Zack’s house after school. Every day for AN ENTIRE MONTH, we watched the movie Space Jam.

I don’t know if I could recommend watching the same movie every day for an entire month. But 40 times in a year? That’s totally doable, especially if it’s a movie like Elf or That Thing You Do! that’s only an hour and a half long.

Relaxing is awesome, and enjoying a comfort movie is a lovely resolution.

Adopt lazy coach handshakes

Pre-pandemic, I was more into high-fives. I once bet my friend how many people out of 10 would high-five me if I just stuck my hand out and made eye contact. He guessed it would be something like three or four.

Plot twist: EVERYONE WANTED A PIECE OF THE HAND.

Today, people have more distrust of each other. We don’t know where those hands have been. So instead of a high-five or handshake, adopt the greeting that’s taken the NBA by storm over the past few years: coaches waving from across the court.

This is easy to do in any situation: You simply lift your arm up and hold your hand out like you’re asking for a high-five, but you’re anywhere between 15 and 700 feet from the person you’re greeting. You can even be actively walking away as you do it.

It saves you time and keeps you away from germs. Fantastic.

Swap in player names for curses

Swear words are a part of life, but they’re not always practical. Yelling 56 %*$&@#s because you stubbed your toe in the house all alone? Totally fine.

But try to pull off that same string of curse words during, say, your four-year-old niece’s birthday party, and you’re in for a world of trouble.

However, it’s perfectly fine to yell a professional basketball player’s name. And if you pick the right player, you just might make a new friend who is also a fan of their player.

Here are some names you can consider yelling:

• Kentavious Caldwell-Pope
• Jusuf Nurkic
• Elena Delle Donne
• Sedale Threatt
• Charlie Ward
• Courtney Vandersloot
• Lionel Simmons
• Kristi Toliver
• Greg Ostertag
• Swin Cash

Celebrate your failures, but, like…don’t go overboard

If you were watching basketball during the holidays, you may have seen when Ja Morant attempted a very impressive dunk.

The only problem? The dunk didn’t go in. Yet the Internet went ablaze as if it did and we were witnessing a beautiful, historic moment.

I’m all about celebrating non-success in moderation. Did you do a workout but had to stop for a break midway through? Heck yeah.

But did you accidentally light your house on fire because you were trying to flambé a pot of honey? Maybe keep that one to yourself (though you should probably tell your insurance company about the fire).

Any New Year’s resolutions I missed? Something you accomplished last year that you’re still buzzing about? Reply back to this email — I’d love to hear it!

This issue is presented by The Morning Blitz.

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