Irrefutable Arguments Why the [Celtics or Warriors] Will Win

Last time, I mentioned how I was visiting Chicago for a wedding. Well, that wedding did, in fact, happen, and it was a delight to catch up with old friends.

One of those friends posed a classic basketball conundrum: If I were to bet on the NBA Finals, currently tied at 2-2, which team would I choose to win?

I said I thought the Warriors’ experience would be helpful but that I truly didn’t have a guess. After all, trying to correctly anticipate sports outcomes is an exercise in futility, yet many talking heads get paid to do just that.

Sure, you could spout off all kinds of statistics until you’re blue in the face, like how the team that wins Game 1 of the NBA Finals wins the series 70.7% of the time. Or, how the team with home-court advantage has won the Finals 80% of the time when playing in the 2-2-1-1-1 format (instead of the 2-3-2 way, which resulted in a 72.4% win rate for the home team).

But that requires doing a bunch of research, memorizing a ton of statistics, and exerting way too much energy. And as the examples above illustrate, you could make an argument for either team depending on who you think will win, or whoever you’re rooting for.

So, here are some more fun reasons why the Celtics or Warriors will win. Feel free to use them to win any arguments with your friends.

Why the Celtics Will Win

• Red Auerbach is a famous man in Celtics lore, serving as head coach for many of the team’s championships. His brother Zang — which is an awesome name — created the Celtics logo. If you put a lot of importance on family, that’s a pretty impressive historical one-two punch.
• No NBA team has played more games over the course of time than the Boston Celtics. According to StatMuse, Celtics players have laced up their sneakers for NBA games a whopping 5,950 times. Talk about longevity.
• Only one team has a player who’s dyed his hair to match his team’s colors (and it ain’t Golden State).
• Lucky the Leprechaun could be related to Mr. Peanut, and peanuts are tasty.
• They have the luck of the Irish on their side.

Why the Warriors Will Win

• Though the Celtics have played more games, no team has scored more points in franchise history than the Warriors. They’ve amassed 626,301 points, and if you’re familiar with basketball, you know that scoring more points than the other team typically results in a win.
• They have more players who host podcasts than the Celtics do. And Draymond Green outbursts can be pretty fabulous.
• They have a human video game as their star guard. Steph Curry makes a lot of shots, which is helpful.
• The Warriors’ “bridge” logo is objectively cooler than a leprechaun. I also think the classic logos where the state of California looks like a thumb around a basketball is a great touch, but that could just be my eyes playing tricks on me.
• As I touched on in a recent article, the Warriors have a massive Harry Potter fan in Klay Thompson. If anyone could don an invisibility cloak or cast an Expelliarmus spell to give his team the advantage, it’s him.

So…Who’s Actually Going to Win?

If you still think I have a guess after reading all of this email, I don’t know what to tell you. My best prediction is that I’m going to watch the games and hopefully be entertained by them.

Should you achieve the same thing, we’re all winners.