Spotify Wrapped, Hoops Edition

Every December, Spotify shares its tailored “Wrapped” recaps with users.

The premise is simple: Do you use Spotify? Then here’s a list of your most frequently listened to songs and artists, as well as some other fun facts about your habits.

Spotify has also finally gotten on board the podcast train and now offers Wrapped versions for podcasters.

So, for my Sports R Dumb and Good People, Cool Things podcasts, I got to learn fun facts like how many minutes of content I produced and which of my listeners are superfans (plot twist: it’s 100% of them).

What Spotify doesn’t give us is a fun version of Wrapped about basketball.

I’m here to fix that.

Here’s the Crisp Bounce Pass hoops edition of Wrapped — complete with links to the songs on YouTube in case you don’t use Spotify.

Public Enemy, “He Got Game” — The Song You Can Use to Start a Game Night (55,391,283 million streams)

Public Enemy recorded every song for the soundtrack to the 1998 Spike Lee film He Got Game, which has to be some kind of record.

The only one with staying power is “He Got Game” — it’s got 55+ million streams as I write this, while the rest of the album has about 2.5 million streams combined.

This is a classic movie, and it’s a classic song. The sample of “For What It’s Worth” by Buffalo Springfield fits so well, and it’s just a delight.

Now, who’s got the next turn in Bop It?

Lil’ Dicky, “Classic Male Pregame” — The Song About Warming Up (16,537,343 streams)

Lil’ Dicky has a song called “Sports” that references all kinds of athletes. It’s surely got more hoops action in it. But that song isn’t on Spotify, so we get this one instead.

This track is about being hyped to go out for the evening, only to never actually leave the house because your pregaming takes a turn for the worse.

It’s highly reminiscent of college or perhaps of early November, when fans believe their team has a chance at success before being cruelly reminded of reality.

My favorite line in this song also happens to be the most basketball-centric:

“We debating the top ten in the NBA / disagreeing a lot about LaMarcus A.”

This was a valid argument in 2015. Today? Well, luckily, the next line in the song is about Shawshank Redemption coming on TV. That movie rocks.

CoComelon, “Basketball Song” — The Song That Doesn’t Practice What It Preaches (616,974 streams)

Up until last weekend, I had managed to go my entire life without ever hearing a CoComelon song.

That changed when I visited a friend’s house for a gathering. She has two-year-old triplets, and there was a smattering of other kids in the home, too.

Someone at the party told me there’s actual science behind CoComelon and how it has similar addictive qualities for children as cocaine does for adults.

I thought that was preposterous, but then a song came on and every child froze, transfixed by the TV. Didn’t matter if they were standing, sitting, lying down, or mid-somersault — CoComelon was on, and they were hooked.

Despite the chorus of this song chanting, “defense, offense, here we go, let’s do our best,” there’s very little defense played in the music video.

Except for Wally the Wolf. He blocks baby JJ’s shot and mean-mugs him like JJ just spoiled the ending to Season 4 of Dexter.

JJ is so upset he walks over to his father and CRIES. CoComelon spares no one.

Julia Wolf, “Hoops” — The Song That Feels Like It’s Stuck In Summer Year-Round (7,810,399 streams)

Perhaps it’s the line, “my favorite sounds are cicadas and truth,” but this song makes me think of hooping at the park during summertime.

The music video features Julia Wolf hooping at the park (possibly during the summertime) and also maybe shooting a Nike commercial? Both of those feel like the summertime, too.

She also gets bonus points for knocking down jumpers on a chain link net, with most of the chain link falling off the hoop.

That style of basket always gave me weird depth perception issues and made me a significantly worse shooter. Well done, Julia.

Aaron Carter, “That’s How I Beat Shaq” — The Song That Takes You Back to Being a Kid (2,507,009 streams)

Aaron Carter had a tumultuous adult life that sadly ended with him dying last month at just 32 years old.

But he gave us one of the best songs about hoops — a magical tale about the time he, as a 13-year-old kid, played against a 7-foot, roughly 300-pound Papa John’s spokesperson named Shaquille O’Neal.

And Aaron didn’t just play Shaq. No, he BEAT the Big Diesel.

The hubris in this song is unparalleled and it’s just a wonderful time.

Basketball Divorce Court, “Cowboy Hat (I Am the Lonestar)” — The Song You Play for Your Friend That Wears a Lot of Accouterments (17,663 streams)

When I was growing up, my parents and had a band called Renegade Babies.

We never played a real show. Our discography consisted of songs where I banged on a snare drum and crash cymbal (and occasional hi-hat once I expanded my set), and my mom and dad tried to make some sense of it on vocals and guitar, respectively.

I don’t have any of the songs we made at my disposal, but they sounded pretty similar to Basketball Divorce Court.

They’re noisy, have minimal production value, and are unintelligible at points, yet oddly charming.

And we both had terrific names. Happy Wrapped, y’all.