Your Absurd 2023 March Madness Guide

The field is set, and we are READY for March Madness.

There’s no shortage of guides to filling out your bracket. But that’s not what this issue is all about.

Yes, you could pore over the data or use a fancy bracket calculator — Algebracket is my personal favorite — but as it turns out, this tournament is impossible to predict accurately. So why not have a little fun along the way?

Here are ten facts about this field that have very little, if anything, to do with the actual basketball on the court.

1. Are you a cat fan? The East region has a whopping SIX schools with feline mascots: Texas Southern Tigers, Memphis Tigers, Kentucky Wildcats, Kansas State Wildcats, Montana State Bobcats, and Vermont Catamounts.

2. Prefer dogs, instead? You can have the majority of your Elite Eight be full of canines by picking the NC State Wolf Pack, the Mississippi State Bulldogs, the Drake Bulldogs, the Gonzaga or UNC Asheville Bulldogs, and the UConn Huskies. That East region is overrun with kitties, though — not a pup to be found. So how about choosing the two Golden Eagles mascots for good measure (Marquette and Oral Roberts)?

3. The West region probably has the most impressive mix of team names and mascots. Sure, there are a pair of Bulldogs, and oddly, both Gaels are in this region. But look at this additional variety! We’ve also got a Husky, a Bruin, an Antelope, a Ram, a Bronco, a Jayhawk, a Super Frog, a Bison, a Razorback named Tusk IV, and a Sun Devil named Sparky. Oh, and the Illinois Fightin’ Illini, who retired their mascot because…well, duh.

4. The Nevada Wolf Pack has the funniest fight song name: “Hail to Our Sturdy Team.”

5. Filling out your bracket based on the most random alumni pairing? The VCU Rams‘ notable graduates include author David Baldacci and physician Patch Adams.

6. If you want to choose the team that’s closest to the height of the average American, the Fairleigh Dickinson Knights roster sports an average of about 6’1″.

7. Ken Pomeroy’s rankings are used to track all kinds of impressive basketball stats, but we’re looking at one in particular, LUCK. The luckiest teams in this year’s tournament are UNC Asheville, Kennesaw State, Missouri, and Kansas. The least lucky teams are Creighton, Arkansas, and Tennessee.

8. Want to pick your Final Four based on the most delightful mascots? May I recommend Billy, the Creighton Blue Jay (who kindly took a picture with me last year), Thunder, the Grand Canyon Antelope, Sturgis, a live owl mascot for Kennesaw State, and Cayenne, the Louisiana Ragin’ Cajun?

9. Would you rather choose your Final Four based on the most FRIGHTENING mascots? You can’t. Both of them are in the same region (the East) and their names are Purdue Pete and the Providence Friar.

10. Once again, both Colgate and Oral Roberts are in the bracket, but they are on opposite sides and won’t play each other. Dentists everywhere cry out in sadness.

Congrats to all the teams in the tourney — enjoy the magic of the madness!