Issue 130: Halloween Candies, Ranked

This Sunday is Halloween (that’s breaking news to you, I’m sure), and I’ve officially made my trip to the store to pick up candy to hand out.

Last year, we put out a table so kids could come grab a treat or two while staying socially distant. It worked surprisingly well, and shockingly just about everyone only took one piece, and if they wanted more, they politely asked if they could.

I’m very impressed with the manners here.

The problem with Halloween candy variety packs is that you either don’t get any variety—I saw one that was literally five different kinds of Snickers—or you get two to three great candies and one to two terrible ones.

Sure, I’d love a mix of Reese’s, Twix, and Skittles…but you better get that generic crunchy gummy candy and Mounds out of there.

In the spirit of all things spooky, I’m going to list my ten favorite candies. Yours may not be on the list; if it’s not, you can assume it’s number 11. Maybe next year it’ll crack the top ten!

1. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups: I am not a fan of the Reese’s commercials where Will Arnett is kind of being a pompous jerk. Reese’s: Not sorry. You should be—these commercials make me sad. Pro tip: Put your Reese’s in the freezer or use it instead of Hershey’s for a s’more. GAME-CHANGING.

2. 100 Grand: There’s a Will Smith song called “Candy” where the entire third verse is him rattling off the names of candies within the storyline. One line goes, “I don’t care what it costs girl, 100 grand.” I think about that line sometimes and it makes me chuckle. In any case, I’m glad this candy doesn’t cost $100,000, because then it would not make my list.

3. Sour Skittles: Regular Skittles are fine, I guess, but for my money, give me sour all the way. One time, I ate an entire large bag of Sour Skittles at a movie theater while watching the film Undercover Brother and my entire tongue was ruined for a week. Now, if I indulge in Sour Skittles (or sour anything, really), I make sure to do it in smaller portions. Probably better for my overall health, too.

4. Milky Way Midnight: I don’t know what it is about the midnight varieties of Milky Ways that make them SO much better than the regular (maybe it’s that sleek packaging) but here we are. If someone gives you regular Milky Way bars, see if you can trade them for Midnight.

5. Twix: Twix used to have a handful of different varieties—I remember housing a Cookies & Cream fairly regularly in elementary school—but they’ve nestled comfortably into their caramel and peanut butter options. And it works, so more power to them.

6. Snickers: Kudos to Snickers for having far more enjoyable commercials than Reese’s. “You’re not you when you’re hungry” with all kinds of shapeshifting is a delightful ad campaign. However, I’m not usually craving a Snickers to satisfy my hunger, so it doesn’t ring true to me. I’ll get tackled by Betty White any day of the week, though.

7. Peanut M&Ms: In a perfect world, folks would hand out Pretzel M&Ms, which are the true champion. But since most variety packs only give you regular, peanut, and MAYBE peanut butter varieties, we need to go with the clear winner here. Bonus points for making it seem like you’re getting some healthy fats via peanut ingestion.

8. Three Musketeers: I think these get more hate than they deserve. They’re certainly not going to blow you away, but that airy creamy filling is always a pleasant time. Much like the real Three Musketeers, they’re nobody’s favorite, yet they’re consistent.

9. Butterfinger: Butterfingers would be higher up if they didn’t leave a fairly intense residue on your teeth. If I’m at home, it’s one thing—I can swig some mouthwash or grab a toothbrush. But if I’m out on the road? I just have to let that chocolate sit there like a bump on a log. Not ideal.

10. Starburst: I really don’t taste THAT much of a difference between Starburst flavors, but it’s truly frustrating when you open up the fun-size pack with two of the same color. Unless it’s pink.

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